ambivalence

I am swimming in the ambivalent waves of love and hate
drowning on the barren dessert of your bode
nothing grows only the bleak clouds hanging above my head
ready to pour rain at any moment
you drive me mad with the unquenchable thirst you brought
leaving my soul aflame with desire

nothing soothed..

nothing consoled..

I kissed a girl..

I confess that I love this song though I have not seen the music video…I’ll let you wonder why.. :p

 

 

I Kissed A Girl

 

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It’s not what, I’m used to
Just wanna try you on
I’m curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don’t even know your name
It doesn’t matter
You’re my experimental game
Just human nature
It’s not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain’t no big deal, it’s innocent

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

 

Can you f-u-c-kin’ tell me how to be insensitive?

I feel hurt and misunderstood.. two awful combinations that creates millions of bad thoughts. Is it a sin to care for someone deeply? I guess yes since it gives birth to attachment that causes misery.

 

I confess that I am uber sensitive and that makes me so vulnerable, which I really hate about myself. It’s like one way of admitting that I am a weak person because I am easily affected by other’s action. Oh crap! I am nearly close to a tv. I can be manipulated by a remote control. One touch of a button, then I can be like the protagonist of a soap opera that I detest watching. 

 

How would you know if you are over acting to a situation? Particularly to an onionskin like me?

 

 

A friend told me that I am OA from a forwarded quote.. that friend who is recently broken-hearted..the same person who calls me late at night, whom I talk to till the wee hours of the morning whining about her 6 years failed relationship.. that person who admits that she can’t sleep for days or cries profusely in hours..a friend who spammed my phone inbox with heartsick messages..

 

I already forgot the exact message of that particular friend but it fueled my already nympholeptic state about my rarely used phone unresponsive buttons earlier, when I tried calling the bank. 

 

I told her not to forward me again with that kind of ‘melodramatic quote’. S-h-I-t! I really forgot the exact word but with what I understand, the quotes implies; “If your love already have someone else, go ahead and love her/him even more; true love is really like that and this will make you happy..”

 

What the F-u-c-k is that?! Right?! How can you move on if you cater those kind of crappy limiting beliefs? I abhor those kinds of messages that continuously encircle us.

 

 

False: We will only be happy in a love relationship with only one person whom is our destiny or soul mate.

 

Fact: We can be happy with multiple persons, someone whom we are compatible with. (We are billions for Pete’s sake!) Heck! We can still be happy even when we are single!!!

 

 

 

 

FYI.. I never wish to be a leading character of a melodrama.. never! Even in my daydreams!

And oh.. Martyrs get burned at the stake!

 

(After I have wrote this, I suddenly realized that my reaction might be really went overboard because the truth is I am sick and tired of the whining.. and subconsciously my  way of getting rid of those bothersome is by over reacting so my friend will get angry and will stop bugging me..

 Well..if that’s the case then my evil mind achieved it’s  purpose. My friend already removed me from her distribution list..  )

Personality Test

I took a personality test from www.ipersonic.com and I confess that the result mostly describes me. My friends or anyone knows me well would definitely agree. I have intentionally highlighted those descriptions which I think applies to me.

Spontaneous Idealist (SI)

Spontaneous Idealists are creative, lively and open-minded persons. They are humorous and dispose of a contagious zest for life. Their enthusiasm and sparkling energy inspires others and sweeps them along. They enjoy being together with other people and often have an uncanny intuition for their motivations and potential. Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes somewhat too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.

This personality type is a keen and alert observer; they miss nothing which is going on around them. In extreme cases, they tend to be oversensitive and exaggeratedly alert and are inwardly always ready to jump. Life for them is an exciting drama full of emotionality. However, they quickly become bored when things repeat themselves and too much detailed work and care is required. Their creativity, their imaginativeness and their originality become most noticeable when developing new projects and ideas – they then leave the meticulous implementation of the whole to others. On the whole, Spontaneous Idealists attach great value to their inner and outward independence and do not like accepting a subordinate role. They therefore have problems with hierarchies and authorities.If you have a Spontaneous Idealist as your friend, you will never be bored; with them, you can enjoy life to the full and celebrate the best parties. At the same time, they are warm, sensitive, attentive and always willing to help. If Spontaneous Idealists have just fallen in love, the sky is full of violins and their new partners are showered with attention and affection. This type then bubbles over with charm, tenderness and imagination. But, unfortunately, it soon becomes boring for them once the novelty has worn off. Boring everyday life in a partnership is not for them so that many Spontaneous Idealists slip from one affair into another. However, should the partner manage to keep their curiosity alive and not let routine and familiarity gain the upper hand, Spontaneous Idealists can be inspiring and loving partners.

 

Adjectives which describe your type

spontaneous, enthusiastic, idealistic, extroverted, theoretical, emotional, relaxed, friendly, optimistic, charming (that’s what I wanted to believe), helpful, independent (most of the time), individualistic, creative, dynamic, lively, humorous, full of zest for life, imaginative, changeable, adaptable, loyal, sensitive, inspiring, sociable, communicative (noisy would best describe me), erratic, curious, open, vulnerable

These subjects could interest you

Literature (I consider myself as frustrated writer), art, music, parties, concerts, travel, dancing, eating out (sure!), joint pleasure (of what kind? )

Prologue

 

This is the beginning of a long confession. I will try to be honest at all cost on what I have seen, felt, thought and did. I know that this will be hard especially to scrutinize oneself. I am not doing this to be understood by others. I might gain some sympathy or ridicule but this does not concern me (and I hope won’t affect me). My main objective is to understand myself and to be a better being. I wanted to live and not just existing. I don’t want to simply turn oxygen into a carbon dioxide.. a consumer finding a next fix.. a matter occupying a space.

 

I don’t want to indulge myself in the dream world anymore. I want to end my escapism. Escape from being an Escapist. I want to know why I hate waking up and deal with my reality. I no longer want to hide in illusion.

 

And the first step is to be honest.. so this are my confessions..